The Ultimate Insult
From Monkey Island wiki
The Ultimate Insult is a dangerously powerful Voodoo talisman, described by the Voodoo Lady as twice as powerful as Big Whoop, and five times as dangerous. Its legendary powers can dissolve the egos of even the most fearsome pirates. The Voodoo Lady explains that it hurls insults in an ancient, primal language from which all other languages are derived; Guybrush eventually discovers that this language is monkey jabber, and that the same insults are still used in Monkey Kombat.
Long before the time of the games, as the Voodoo Lady recounted to Guybrush, there was a great war using the Ultimate Insult, one that resulted in the destruction of the Caribbean after a string of islands fell foul to its power. As a result, all copies of the Insult were destroyed, as well as instructions on how to assemble it. However, Governor H. T. Marley knew of a Voodoo spell to reveal this secret; he left the pieces of this spell among his heirlooms as wedding gifts for his granddaughter Elaine at the Second Bank of Lucre on Lucre Island.
Captain Marley also let the secret slip to Australian businessman Ozzie Mandrill, who then formulated a plan to assemble the Insult and use it to get rid the Caribbean of pirates in order to further his commercial interests. LeChuck, who is paying off a debt to Mandrill, wants to use it on Elaine to make her into the "perfect" wife by removing her will power. They manage to get the pieces from Guybrush and Elaine and Ozzie turns the talisman on his lackey, Pegnose Pete, and eventually even on LeChuck.
During his exile on Monkey Island, Guybrush manages to find the same ingredients he found earlier on Jambalaya, and turns the Giant Monkey Head into an enormous Ultimate Insult. Together with Captain Marley, Jojo Jr. and an army of monkeys, they take control of the entire apparatus, which is revealed to be a Giant Monkey Robot. With it they destroy Ozzie's Ultimate Insult amplification tower and then head to Mêlée Island to confront Ozzie and LeChuck. The powers of Monkey Kombat and the Ultimate Insult, coming from the same origin, partake in a battle royale in which Guybrush repeatedly draws by copying LeChuck's stance; LeChuck performs the standard responses, which culminate in hitting his head repeatedly, thus inadvertently destroying Ozzie, the Insult and himself in a massive explosion. With no remaining threat from the Ultimate Insult, the monkeys take the Giant Monkey Robot to an unknown destination.
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Pieces
There are four parts need to make an Ultimate Insult:
- a Golden Man. Guybrush finds two: the golden trophy at the diving competition on Jambalaya Island, and Herman Toothrot's Banana Picker on Monkey Island, which he has gilded after striking gold in the recently opened mines.
- a Silver Monkey Head. Planet Threepwood offers silver mugs that look like monkey heads with special meals, but they cannot be taken out of the restaurant. The Giant Monkey Head on Monkey Island, first introduced in The Secret of Monkey Island, is probably the biggest Ultimate Insult piece.
- a Bronze Hat. Tiny LaFeet's hat is bronzed and added to his inaccurate statue on Jambalaya Island. Jojo Jr. wears a similar hat in the Monkey Village, denoting his status as undefeated champion of Monkey Kombat.
- the Gubernatorial Seal of Mêlée Island. This piece is not visible on the assembled Insult, and it was the only secret Captain Marley kept from Ozzie Mandrill. Both Elaine and her grandfather keep one on their person, which Captain Marley says is a sign of a good governor.
When assembled, the hat goes on the monkey head, and the gold body is attached underneath. The pieces seem to stay together on their own, without anything needed to keep them attached.
The Spell
The only clue to learn about the Ultimate Insult years after the last ones had been destroyed was a particular Voodoo spell. The spell centred on the wooden figurehead of a pink ship under the guard of the Harbor Mistress of Mêlée Island, who was brought to life when her ship collided with another carrying a cargo of Voodoo supplies. She will be reanimated when her wooden earrings are put back in her ears. Other pieces of the spell include a pen on a chain that dangles from a necklace she must be wearing at the time. When she is given a map, the pen will mark Jambalaya as the location of the Insult pieces; when she has a blank canvas (the back of the map) it sketches a completed Insult and labels the pieces. The spell does not reveal anything about the secret fourth piece, the Gubernatorial Seal, which remains Captain Marley's best-kept secret.
Trivia
- In Tales of Monkey Island, the Ultimate Insult is one of the ingredients used to create the Cursed Cutlass of Kaflu.
- Herman Toothrot tells Guybrush that the only way to beat an Ultimate Insult is to make a bigger Ultimate Insult, which they do.
