The Ultimate Insult
From Monkey Island wiki
The Ultimate Insult is a dangerously powerful Voodoo talisman, described by the Voodoo Lady as twice as powerful as Big Whoop and five times as dangerous. Its legendary powers can dissolve the egos of even the most fearsome pirates. The Voodoo Lady explains that it hurls insults in an ancient, primal language from which all other languages are derived; Guybrush eventually discovers that this language is monkey jabber, and that the same insults are still used in Monkey Kombat. Due to its immense and devastating power, it became an object of pure lust for many villains throughout the seas, such as LeChuck and Ozzie Mandrill, who desired to use its incredible power to dominate the seas and make their own lusts and desires come true.
Long before the time of the games, as the Voodoo Lady recounts to Guybrush, there was a great war using the Ultimate Insult, one that resulted in the destruction of the Caribbean after a string of islands fell foul to its power. As a result, all copies of the Insult were destroyed, as well as instructions on how to assemble it. However, Governor H. T. Marley knew of a Voodoo spell to reveal this secret; he left the pieces of this spell among his heirlooms as wedding gifts for his granddaughter Elaine at the Second Bank of Lucre on Lucre Island.
Captain Marley also let the secret slip to Australian businessman Ozzie Mandrill, who then formulated a plan to assemble the Insult and use it to rid the Caribbean of pirates in order to further his commercial interests. LeChuck, who is paying off a debt to Mandrill, also lusts for the weapon to conquer the seas, but to additionally use it on Elaine to make her into the "perfect" wife by removing her will power and anyone who would stand against him and his rise to power. They manage to get the pieces from Guybrush and Elaine and Ozzie turns the talisman on his lackey, Pegnose Pete, and eventually even on LeChuck.
During his exile on Monkey Island, Guybrush manages to find the same ingredients he found earlier on Jambalaya, and turns the Giant Monkey Head into an enormous Ultimate Insult. Together with Captain Marley, Jojo Jr. and an army of monkeys, they take control of the entire apparatus, which is revealed to be a Giant Monkey Robot. With it they destroy Ozzie's Ultimate Insult amplification tower and then head to Mêlée Island to confront Ozzie and LeChuck. The powers of Monkey Kombat and the Ultimate Insult, coming from the same origin, partake in a battle royale in which Guybrush repeatedly draws by copying LeChuck's stance; LeChuck performs the standard responses, which culminate in hitting his head repeatedly, thus inadvertently destroying Ozzie, the Insult and himself in a massive explosion. With no remaining threat from the Ultimate Insult, the monkeys take the Giant Monkey Robot to an unknown destination.
While the exact origins of the Ultimate Insult are not explicitly stated, the weapon was forged by a group of voodoo practitioners for an unknown purpose; be it to understand the effects of such a weapon or use it for personal gain. The insult was created with the combination of four separate pieces with the fourth piece being an artifact that would later be known as the Gubernatorial Seal of Mêlée Island, which unlocked the dormant, voodoo energies that laid within the three other pieces. By studying the ancient language of the Ultimate Insult, monkey language, and the art of combining it into a sport known as Monkey Kombat, the voodoo practitioners were able to cultivate the ancient insults into the Ultimate Insult, which amplified the effects of such insults to the point that they penetrate an individual's soul and mock it into oblivion.
Once the Ultimate Insult became common knowledge, it wasn't long before others used the weapon in pursuit of their own personal lusts and desires, eventually leading to a brutal duel between two Ultimate Insult wielders that shattered the ego of an entire chain of islands. After the two wielders and their weapons were neutralized, The United Voodoo Council, an organization created for the purpose of ensuring that voodoo energy is used for appropriate purposes, saw to it that every copy of an Ultimate Insult's creation were rounded up and destroyed to ensure that such a weapon would never be created ever again. While it is unknown what the exact location of the weapon's initial creation was, the fact that Monkey Island was holding not only all the key pieces, savior for the gubernatorial seal, and even a creation for the purpose of using its power (the Giant Monkey Robot) seems to imply that the island was the site of the first Ultimate Insult's creation.
There are four parts need to make an Ultimate Insult:
- A Golden Man. Guybrush finds two: the golden trophy at the diving competition on Jambalaya Island, and Herman Toothrot's Banana Picker on Monkey Island, which he has gilded after striking gold in the recently opened mines.
- A Silver Monkey Head. Planet Threepwood offers silver mugs that look like monkey heads with special meals, but they cannot be taken out of the restaurant. The Giant Monkey Head on Monkey Island, first introduced in The Secret of Monkey Island, is probably the biggest Ultimate Insult piece.
- A Bronze Hat. Tiny LaFeet's hat is bronzed and added to his inaccurate statue on Jambalaya Island. Jojo Jr. wears a similar hat in the Monkey Village, denoting his status as undefeated champion of Monkey Kombat.
- The Gubernatorial Seal of Mêlée Island. This piece is not visible on the assembled Insult, and it is the only secret Captain Marley keeps from Ozzie Mandrill. Both Elaine and her grandfather keep one on their person, which Captain Marley says is a sign of a good governor.
When assembled, the hat goes on the monkey head, and the gold body is attached underneath. The pieces seem to stay together on their own, without anything needed to keep them attached.
The only clue to learn about the Ultimate Insult years after the last ones had been destroyed was a particular Voodoo spell. The spell centred on the wooden figurehead of a pink ship under the guard of the Harbor Mistress of Mêlée Island, who was brought to life when her ship collided with another carrying a cargo of Voodoo supplies. She will be reanimated when her wooden earrings are put back in her ears. Other pieces of the spell include a pen on a chain that dangles from a necklace she must be wearing at the time. When she is given a map, the pen will mark Jambalaya as the location of the Insult pieces; when she has a blank canvas (the back of the map) it sketches a completed Insult and labels the pieces. The spell does not reveal anything about the secret fourth piece, the Gubernatorial Seal, which remains Captain Marley's best-kept secret.
- In Tales of Monkey Island, the Ultimate Insult is one of the ingredients used to create the Cursed Cutlass of Kaflu, appearing to serve as the handle for the blade.
- Herman Toothrot tells Guybrush that the only way to beat an Ultimate Insult is to make a bigger Ultimate Insult, which they eventually end up doing.